Onkur Sen

Understand (Why?)

Last time I wrote that changing the framing of thoughts about myself from judgment (I should…) to observation (I am…) has allowed me to continue the conversation and explore myself deeper without feeling that familiar aftertaste of guilt. Furthermore, sitting with an observation can create an uncomfortable tension, but leaving room for repeated probing can reveal an underlying root problem upon which we can act.

The question is: after we observe our thoughts and identify a root problem, how do we turn this to productive actions that will improve our condition?

Identify (What?)

First, we need to determine the type of problem we’re tackling. To keep it simple, I’ve noticed three types of problems when reflecting:

1. The amorphous problem. We know something is off, but we may be unable to use precise language to articulate it (e.g., “I feel out of it”). In this case, formulating and executing any action is like using a dull knife to cut a hard onion–it may not improve the situation and may in fact leave you feeling worse. Instead, we must first remove some layers of the onion and sharpen our tool; identifying exactly what it is that bothers us gives a name to the problem and allows us to face it head on (e.g., “I feel hazy after more than two hours of meetings in a row”).
2. The daunting problem. Even if we can articulate the root problem precisely, it may be so foundational so as to strike at our very identity (e.g., “I don’t put myself first”). In this case, the commensurate course of action is like trying to jump into an ice bath when you’ve been relaxing in a hot tub–it requires imagining a completely new reality and taking a drastic change that may be a non-sequitur or something outside our grasp (e.g., “Be more selfish…?”). Instead, we must first make the transition more gradual; decomposing the problem into smaller components and adding constraints gives a sense of direction and narrows our focus (e.g., “When I set plans with friends and we have conflicting interests, I am quick to compromise”).
3. The self-directing problem. I chose this term because the framing of the problem is crucial to constructing a path of action (e.g., “Using my phone for long periods at night negatively affects my sleep quality”), usually doing the opposite of what the problem suggests (e.g., “Gradually reduce phone usage in the evenings”). For this to happen, self-directing problems need to be identified specifically (i.e., they are not amorphous; “I feel groggy when I wake up in the morning”) and need to be manageable enough that a direct course of action is visible and feasible (i.e., they are not daunting; “I’m not sleeping enough”). However, note that just because a problem is self-directing doesn’t mean that we have a clear path to action yet. Instead, we have a leading direction that can take many shapes in practice. For example, given my self-directing problem above, how I reduce phone usage remains up for discussion.

Plan (How?)

At this point, you can lay out a course of action based on the path that is given to you by your self-directing problem. The specific tactics that you use will vary heavily based on your circumstances and desired outcomes. However, for me, successful paths to action have two telltale attributes.

First, they focus on directly addressing the problem while allowing room for me to compensate as a fallback. This means that my strategy consists of proactive (plan A) and reactive (plan B) sets of tactics, allowing me to set out on an exciting new direction with the comfort and security of a little help from myself if things get bumpy along the way.

Re-examining the aforementioned self-directing problem, I have noticed that I tend to poll a set of common apps even when I have no notifications. To counter this directly, I have uninstalled many of these apps so that those interactions require a conscious decision with high friction to override my intent. To compensate on days where I stay up scrolling, I make room for sleeping in or taking a nap depending on my schedule. These reactive tactics seem small but pair nicely with the proactive steps and tackle the problem from both sides.

Second, they prioritize consistent, incremental progress over intermittent periods of high output. Self-improvement is a skill requiring deliberate practice over the long term. Doing something in a flash of inspiration is a great way to start and then burn out just as quickly and not finish (as I’ve felt too often myself). Instead, making the next step easy for yourself makes this marathon feel like one small step after another and not like covering a massive distance in a short time. It also allows you to build momentum, which is a powerful motivator¹.

As an example, I reduced my phone usage gradually by installing non-essential apps in the order of least to most usage. I started with Facebook and Instagram since I mainly check those on my computer anyways. Then came things like Reddit², which provided content that was fascinating but also too addicting to have at my fingertips. Last was Gmail, which is something I use on a daily basis but which I realized was giving me more dopamine than utility.

By planning proactively and reactively, you allow flexibility that lets you behave ideally when you can and cut some slack when you can’t. This lets your behavior converge toward your ideal. By building up incrementally over time, you make it easy to succeed and strengthen the habit, reinforcing the consistency and providing a clear sense of momentum.

The important caveat: handle failure gracefully

Even if we set a fallback, we may slip back into old habits. Even if we build a steady routine, we may miss a day or break the streak. Here, it’s easy to fall back into the familiar but poisonous thought pattern of judgment and self-punishment. Instead, we must accept failure as a positive part of the process and be patient with ourselves. In fact, reframing this failure as a temporary deviation and a chance for us to get back on track makes for a gentler response. Along the way, we can ask ourselves: why did I stray, and how can I adjust my path to make it easier to keep going? In this way, we start to build a helpful feedback loop that reinforces the process.

We all know that none of us is our ideal self, but this is true on day 1, day 30, and maybe forever. This leads to a profound realization: you are a continual work in progress, and that is a wonderful thing. No part of you is fixed or final; instead, you always have room for change and growth.