Onkur Sen

Judgment (I should…)

I’ve noticed a feeling of personal disappointment growing in me over the last few years. My name, a visible symbol of identity, is associated strongly with potential¹, and every once in a while, a pang of anxiety hits me where I worry that I am squandering it. Too often, I’ll catch myself freely gifting my time to various sources of entertainment and fascination available to me at the push of a button or the flick of a finger. I immediately express this disappointment by chastising myself internally and thinking about habits of my aspirational self: constantly reading and growing, producing things of relevance, and staying connected with everyone. My mind hypothetically yearns for the Type 2 fun that tests your mettle and builds strength, character, and memories. Instead, it bathes itself in the Type 1 fun that tickles receptors and propagates lethargy, reactionism, and dissatisfaction.

Specifically, when I feel disappointed in myself, I tend to reach for the word “should”. When positive habits drop off or negative patterns emerge, the first thing I think is how I should aspire to the ideal. This correlates with the pattern that I’m very good at starting things but just as bad at keeping them going and finishing them. Some real personal examples:

• I had developed a consistent and fruitful exercise routine over the last nine months, but that came to a grinding halt in this time of quarantine. I should be doing that more frequently to cultivate a sense of routine and well-being.
• Music was a big part of my upbringing, but I have not played or created much in the last few years. I should spend more time on that so I don’t waste the abilities and potential I’ve developed.
• (Meta) I started this series in 2017 as a set of four posts to share both notable reflections and specific actions that improved my mental health, but I stopped after the second post. I should have kept going and finished out the series.

This use of “should” is poisonous not only because it usually reiterates the obvious, but it is accompanied by an excuse that we hide behind. How many times have you thought:

“I should, but I can’t. I don’t have time.”
“I should, but I don’t need to right now. Maybe tomorrow.”

Just like the phrase “it is what it is”², using “should” usually exposes a truism that leaves little room for deeper understanding or a call to action. All that remains is the bitter taste of guilt with a lingering sense of judgment.

Observation (I am…)

We all fall off of the noble chariot we imagine our life to be at times. Instead of shaming ourselves using the common but deceitful word “should”, maybe we can first observe and understand why we fell off without attributing blame or providing excuses. In other words, we must “see things as they really are” and ask ourselves: “Where am I, and how did I get here?”

Let’s try reframing the previous judgments into neutral observations that illustrate further underlying points:

• When I go to a gym in a different physical location, exercising lets me detach mentally from my normal day-to-day and fosters a sense of balance. When my home, work, and gym are all in the same place, I am struggling to reproduce these same habits and gain these same effects.
• Though I enjoy music and have instruments available to me, I am tending to be complacent and spend time lounging on my computer or watching TV. I am conscious of this behavior, but I am afraid to begin playing again for fear of regression and judgment from myself and those close to me. I am also aware that this fear is self-reinforcing.
• I find writing rewarding and see these posts as a powerful way to connect with others, but I am giving in to inertia since the mental energy to write such a post is so high. Given that the end product is also deeply personal, I am daunted by the process.

Although these observations demonstrate my shortcomings, they do so in a way that allows for exploration without closing the conversation with finality. In other words, you are no longer shutting the door on your own feelings and thoughts, but rather inviting them to be heard and voiced appropriately.

Some people may find parallels in Toyota’s five whys technique for root cause analysis of a defect as well as the concept of a blameless postmortem for reviewing operational incidents. Given these similarities, you may be tempted at this point to jump to a solution. After all, when framed a certain way, the observation often points to a root issue that you can begin working on. Though turning toward action is important (as I’ll discuss next time), the rush to pragmatism here underestimates the weight of this mental shift. The act of observing is itself essential in improving your mental condition.

Sitting with and probing into a matter-of-fact observation, particularly when it is a reflection on you and your behavior, while suspending judgment is difficult to maintain and takes measured practice. Our minds naturally tend to look for patterns and draw conclusions, so making the observation without such an inference will feel similar to a half-finished sentence. The difficult thing will be to prevent your mind from advancing to the next thought and instead stay fixed on seeing the present reality clearly.

However, I’ve noticed that once I’m able to do this, I can remove much of the kneejerk emotional resistance from any personal reflection. This allows me to approach an otherwise uncomfortable conversation more rationally and, oddly, more kindly. It brings a refreshing change of pace and mood: I work with my emotions instead of fighting against them. I feel optimism towards self-improvement, not disappointment towards judgment.

Action (I will…)

Once you are comfortable observing the reality of things in your life without inferring a judgment yourself on the perceived consequences, you can make your way to one or several root causes that can be addressed. It is here where you can begin to act: gradually at first and then with more momentum.

That’s for the next post. I hope to see you there.

Endnote: Some thoughts on mindfulness and meditation

I’m a pretty skeptical person. I’m not religious, and I usually try to poke holes in most arguments that I come across. As such, I was resistant to meditation through its many forms of marketing and personification as part of “mindfulness culture”, particularly through social media and the wellness industry. Though I’m not yet a regular meditator, I’ve come to appreciate it as a tool for building mental focus in a world with many distractions. In a sense, I view it as a counterpart to physical exercise in the overarching goal of training the body and mind.

Furthermore, the idea of observing without judgment came to me directly from meditating and journaling about the meditation every day over the last week (hooray for a 6-day streak!). It has definitely changed the temperament with which I approach my own thoughts.

If you’re a skeptic like me or are otherwise looking for an enlightening read in these uncertain times, I recommend Mindfulness in Plain English (Amazon, YouTube audiobook)³. It’s an accessible introduction to this topic that skips much of the religious and spiritual overtones while still being strikingly relevant to our society. Fun fact: this is where I learned the phrase “seeing things as they really are” used earlier.