In my last #MentalHealthMonday post, I talked about prioritizing my physical health in line with the ideal of “a healthy mind in a healthy body”. This resulted in a framework focusing on sleep, morning routine, exercise, and nutrition.
It remained then to cultivate that healthy mind. The intuitive way to begin this process was to re-establish what exactly it meant to be me. I noticed that over the last couple of years, I had slowly loosened my grasp on identity until I felt like a shadow of my former self reaching out for any source of reassurance. I sought to combat this with a two-pronged approach: rediscovering who I used to be through self-expression and challenging who I thought I could be through self-discovery. This allowed me to simultaneously build up a sense of confidence through familiar activities while challenging and shaping it through new experiences.
Self-expression and rediscovering myself
The first step to reaffirm my sense of self was to engage in activities I enjoyed doing when I was younger. A few examples:
- Music has been a consistent thread throughout my life, so it was easy to associate with my identity. To channel that into a form of self-reinforcement, I started singing as well as playing piano and guitar more over the last few months. However, unlike in the past where I would be preparing for a performance or competition, I didn’t have an external purpose or motivator this time around. Instead, I pursued it as something that I enjoyed for its own sake.
- I grew up taking private art lessons, and calligraphy is one thing that stuck with me because the pen and pencil have always been my favorite mediums of visual expression. Furthermore, calligraphy is quite a portable endeavor, so I could continue on my own easily. I mainly stylize quotes that resonate with me, so in times of personal trouble, it’s nice to illustrate how I perceive a phrase that has impacted me.
- I developed an active interest in chess after college and played blitz and bughouse regularly during my summer internship in 2013, often until 3am or later. I’ve turned to online chess over the last couple of years (find me on chess.com or lichess!), and although I play with a coworker and a family friend in person when I get the chance, chess is something that I’d like to pursue a bit further. To this end, I’ve signed up for 1-on-1 coaching. This isn’t to become competitive or to demonstrate anything to anyone, but simply because I find it fascinating and want to further my own curiosity.
A common thread in these examples is that the main driver is my internal curiosity and enjoyment, not an external standard. For example, it was important to find a source of creative output that is not linked to my career. This way, I can rely on it for comfort and personal achievement, not for any competitive benefit or advantage.
This gets to a broader point, which I struggle with deeply and regularly: I often compare myself to other people. This is partly because people often compare me to others in front of me. But more fundamentally, we humans as a whole compare ourselves to others because our absolute position in life seems to have no meaning on its own. These comparisons can occur at any resolution (possessions, friends, partners, lifestyle), but the result is always the same: a slow, steady chipping away at our self-confidence and security. Furthermore, it may seem rational and even intuitive to understand that we should live on our own terms without casting the shadow of others upon ourselves, but it is an entirely different task to adhere to this principle.
To this end, I often come back to a simple principle that is half-cynical, half-liberating: no one’s life is as good or clean as you think it is. Social media is an exceptionally deceptive veneer that will try to persuade you otherwise, but when you pierce through it and reach out to the individuals powering the facade, you will see that they experience hardships and make the same comparisons as you or me. When you can break out of this cycle, you can be more empathetic to those around you and in turn, to yourself. You’re able to leave the comparisons of others behind and begin the journey of knowing thyself.
On this path, writing has been a particularly good method for engaging with myself and sorting through my thoughts. Although I don’t write regularly, I can point to distinct transitional times in my life where writing played a key role. I didn’t feel I had anyone to turn to, so I took to the written word on the page. The page is never busy. The page doesn’t have other friends or commitments. The page is there. Always.
Sometimes my mind will be racing with thoughts, and in these instances, my writing makes little sense. However, the mere process of putting my words to the page is more important than the immediate result as it requires me to constantly express myself with passing word and phrase. In this way, writing is one of the purest forms of self-expression for me because it is a direct result of my mind.
However, it’s important to note that even though writing is a form of self-expression, it does not have to be published for all to see. Although I have shared a fair amount of writing, much of my output is for record-keeping and not for public display. If you decide to start any sort of writing practice, it’s fine to keep it to yourself or share it with a few people close to you. However, if you can offer your writing to the public, others may benefit from the thoughts you have expressed, and the feedback you receive may alert you to new perspectives that will make you a better writer and thinker.
Self-discovery and challenging myself
On the other hand, part of my personal growth has involved stepping out of my comfort zone and challenging what defines “me”. If you are open to trying new experiences, this can expand your notion of self because you may discover that you will be just fine after what you previously considered uncomfortable or impossible. Here are some things I use that may allow you to challenge yourself.
Travel is a commonly cited way of expanding your horizons. Mark Twain is quoted as saying that “travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness”. I think this is true because as you expose yourself to other cultures, you quickly discover that despite all the ways we are different from each other, we are even more alike. The human connection is present between two people of any culture even if they cannot speak the same language.
Furthermore, I feel it is important to debate and engage with those who are different than you and likely will disagree with you. In a world that is becoming increasingly polarized, it’s a stunning realization that two opposite factions often can establish common ground and, in some cases, strive for the same fundamental ideals. This may be obscured in their manifestations because of backgrounds, but debate and argumentation can tear those walls down. Note that engaging with other parties doesn’t indicate that you have to agree with or condone their views, but only that you entertain them long enough to decide for yourself what you consider to be right. Much of Buddhist philosophy is built around grappling with ideas for yourself and not blindly accepting any proclamation; I try to apply this principle to any ideas with which I disagree. Some topics I engage with others about to broaden my understanding include politics, religion, economics, history, science, and modern culture.
Combining the two concepts above, even if travel is not an option, reading, particularly long-form material like books, has been invaluable for me. In fact, a character in the opening of The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri quoted a specific purpose for books: “to travel the world without moving an inch”. Reading lets me explore an alternative perspective through the mind of another person (and is an easy way to find minds that disagree with me). In addition, reading a wide variety of sources is particularly important. Inspiration and clarity often comes from the unlikeliest source, so it’s important for me to stay well-rounded.
Furthermore, my current living situation involves a long commute. For the first few months, I listened to podcasts, which were interesting but seemed like audio TV that I would listen to passively rather than engage with actively. Over the last month, I turned to audiobooks and discovered that my local public libraries offer many books for free! This has been a great way for me to engage with meaningful, in-depth information on a regular basis as I now listen to 1–3 books per week.
It is worth noting that you could do all of the above on your own, but to push the boundaries of your comfort zone (and hence, your identity), it is often easier to lean on those around you. For me, enrolling in personal training was such an instance, but I had the support of a close friend and my trainer in going through with the activity. Some low-hanging fruit may be joining friends or co-workers in their hobbies! I find that people are always willing to engage about their interests, and it may be a great way to deepen a social connection while exploring something outside your usual sphere. This is also tied to strengthening social connections; more on that in my next post.
In conclusion, I have made major headway on restoring my sense of identity by reinforcing my familiar identity through old interests and challenging my internal limits by pursuing new experiences. I liken it to a coin that is heavily worn on one side and shiny on the other: the worn side represents comfort whereas the shiny side represents uncertainty. If you flip between the two equally, you can drive yourself forward in a challenging but healthy way.
The salient thing about what I’ve distilled in this post is that it is a slow and steady yet never-ending process. As I continue to know myself more, I will adapt and change. This is simply what has worked for me thus far, but I hope you can begin to identify what distinguishes you from others and use that as a positive reinforcement to build a firmer sense of identity.
As always, I welcome any feedback you have for this series. In the meantime, I’m looking forward to the next #MentalHealthMonday, where I’ll talk about strengthening and deepening social connections.