My name is Onkur, and I struggle with mental illness, particularly anxiety and depression.
This has been happening for about 2.5 years through a series of emotionally traumatic incidents at regular intervals, and I’ve noticed a slow but marked change in myself from sad to alarmed to resigned. I used to consider myself an energetic, positive, and infectious individual, but now the words that come to mind are lethargic, brooding, and lonely. The sad clown archetype resonates strongly with me.
For those of you who are fortunate enough to have no idea of what I’m talking about, let me guide you through a written tour.
Anxiety is like the angel/devil pair on your shoulder, except they’re both devils that argue back and forth constantly so you can’t do anything. Ordinary tasks become Herculean efforts, and difficult tasks become impossible. The physical pain is sudden, paralyzing, and radiating throughout your body. You’ll worry about something that’s coming from a mile away only to get hit right in the face because you couldn’t bother to move.
Depression is that nagging friend or part of your brain that says, “what’s the point?” You could see your friends, you could work out, you could do something fun, but what’s the point? We’re all alone, and nothing has meaning. Motivation is nigh impossible to conjure because a pessimistic counterargument will prevail. Joy is removed from everything until what remains is a familiar dull pulse with the occasional sprinkle of pain.
On the other hand, normalcy is like a well-worn jacket that you carry with you every day. You wake up. You put it on and examine yourself in the mirror. You go to work or school. Everyone sees it when they see you, but they may not notice anything odd about it. Sometimes you’ll get a compliment on how it looks. But underneath the surface, it is itchy, oddly-fitting, and uncomfortable. You get home and are finally able to shed it, but what’s underneath? Something raw, delicate, and vulnerable. Normalcy isn’t normal; it’s armor. It’s a reaction to feeling lost and isolated that projects the opposite, a public-facing illusion of positive certainty and belonging.
Here’s the kicker: you may not realize that you’ve been wearing the jacket for weeks, months, even years. And once you realize that you’ve been wearing it, you may see that others haven’t noticed, either. So now what? You could keep the jacket on, smile as if everything is business as usual, and watch as this tiny white lie builds itself up until it consumes you. Or you could take it off, expose the truth, and risk making others feel awkward, uncomfortable, and unsure how to react. But you wouldn’t want to be a burden on others, right?
No wonder you’ve been feeling alone and isolated. This is a dark place to be. But no longer.
I believe in being authentic in the public eye, so I’ve shared my story here in the hopes of connecting with others who may be feeling this way. To you, consider one refrain that I’ve been repeating: there are times when we feel lost yet cling to something in search of hope. Even if you’re not sure whether everything will work out, at least have the confidence in yourself to believe that you’ll be able to figure it out someday. What matters most is that you keep trying. It’s likely that you have people around you who will accept, nurture, and encourage you even if it may not appear that way to you in this moment. Confide in them, and ask for their help in taking the smallest step in your right direction. If you aren’t sure of people whom you could trust with this burden, please reach out to me; I’m happy to lend an ear and a voice.
I also hope to provide perspective for those that haven’t experienced these feelings. To you, I ask that you recognize that grief and ambiguous loss affects us all at different stages in our lives, so treat friends and strangers alike with compassion, empathy, and patience. They are likely experiencing more than appears on the surface. Understand before criticizing. Ask questions and engage rather than detach and disassociate. I promise this will not go unnoticed.
For me, 2017 will be about conquering negative thoughts and reconnecting with the joys in life that do exist. Specifically, I’ve been working on building positive, consistent habits into my life in the forms of reflection and self-expression (writing, music, art), social interactions (friends and family), physical activities (especially sports!), and breathing (as a tentative bridge to mindfulness and meditation). It will be about putting away the past and looking forward to the future.
I recently heard that the opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality. I look forward to rediscovering what that vitality feels like. Join me in this journey, and share your experiences if you find that strength within you. Form a close circle of those who care for you, and don’t be afraid to be open with them about the challenges you have faced. You may find yourself to be more comfortable when you take off your jacket.
You are not alone.
Thanks to those who looked at this prior to publishing and offered their warm support. It means more than I can express.